WHAT IS A HUSBAND?
Immediately following a girls dream of a knight in shining armor and a long walk down the middle aisle comes that shattering reality commonly called a "husband."
There are various ways of acquiring a husband - candlelight, false eyelashes, homemade pies, wealthy parents, flattery, trickery, and determination. To avoid being one is the primary purpose of every single male and the primary purpose of every married male is to get every single married.
What are husbands made of? - pipes, waterproof watches, “do-it-yourself” kits, World Series tickets, fishing trips, conventions, receding hairline's, ugly feet, and when they disagree with you - fat heads. When you want them, they can usually be found under cars, inside TV sets, behind newspapers, making bologna sandwiches, in hot water and frequently in debt.
Nobody can come home so late with so many alibis and bring along so many friends for dinner without letting you know. A husband is a rare combination of dreams of conquest, delusions of grandeur, electrical magnetism, and wide eyed innocence with lipstick on his collar. When you're sick, he's the doctor, when you're lost, he's the Boy Scout, when you cry - he's the comic and when you can't stretch your budget - he's your piggy bank.
A husband is an endless source of information. He knows taxes are too high, salaries too low, how to get things wholesale, a screwball from a knuckleball, the answer to last weeks quiz shows, how to have a ticket fixed, army buddies and too many other women. He doesn't know what's eating his boss, what makes his mother-in-law tick, what this world is coming to, how to mambo and how to keep his mouth shut. Just so you can remember him every minute of the day, he leaves you with shirts to iron, buttons to sew on, spots to take off, messy ashtrays, clothes to pick up, garbage to take out and then comes home and asks "What have you done all day?"
Who else can fix the hot water heater so quickly and then telephone the plumber for help? Who else can say happy birthday, when it's really your wedding anniversary? And who else can spend a romantic evening yawning, reading, snoozing and switching TV channels?
A husband is lord and master with a dish towel in his hand, a tycoon pushing a lawnmower and a Metropolitan tenor in the shower. And when the alarm clock goes off in the morning and you look across the bed, the face you see isn't Robert Goulet or Rock Hudson – it's that unshaven, unkempt, bleary-eyed, wonderful hunk of man – your HUSBAND!
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